It's About Enjoying The Journey...

My running focus at the moment is still the 10k... I plan to increase my mileage in next few months, for the half Iron man in August.

My last race of 2014 was the Brooks Brighton 10k in November.

I had followed a specific training plan in the months leading up to the race, with the aim being to run a PB or at least get close to one.

The course is flat and with the right weather conditions it can be a fast race.

On the day, the weather was pretty much perfect; a light wind, not too cold, no rain. I was feeling confident and I knew the pace I needed to sustain and maintain.

I intended to hold that for the first 4 miles and then, if I had it in my legs, try to increase it slightly over the last 2 miles.

The race started well and I felt good. I checked my pace at each mile check point and was pretty much on target. I knew it wouldn't be a PB, but with the mile splits I was getting I didn't expect to be much more than 30 seconds off and was happy with that.

I was, therefore, quite surprised when I came over the line more than 2 minutes slower than the time I was expecting. I couldn't understand it. My average pace over the 10k was only about 5 seconds off my planned pace. And when I added up my mile splits, they worked out to be a minute less than my finishing time!

Now, you're probably asking why I'm telling you this, as there was obviously a technical issue with my watch. But the thing that surprised me was my reaction and the thought process following the race.

I was, understandably, annoyed. I had done what I had planned to do and it hadn't produced the result I had expected. But, my overwhelming thought was ‘what will people think when they see that time'.

I didn't realise it at first, I wasn't consciously aware of the thoughts going through my head. But after the race when I was quiet and a bit low, a friend asked what was it that was bothering me, because technically I had a good race and, as races go, there were plenty of positives.

I felt strong mentally and physically and it was only the overall time that was disappointing.  And this is when it occurred to me: I was worried about people I knew seeing my time on the results page and thinking that it wasn't really good enough. I was embarrassed...

This made me think about people who do any activity - artists, writers, singers, dancers – and how many of those people are looking for acceptance and recognition to make them feel better and does it matter if they are looking for this?

Is any motivational aspect a good one?

I thought maybe this was 'ego', but this wasn't about being better than someone else; it was about other people’s perception of me and my need for that to be good.

As I have mentioned before, I struggle with thinking I’m 'good enough'... Not just in sport, but in all aspects of life. Work, friends, relationships, but I had not realised how much it had seeped into my racing and training.

There is a quote I have read, and I’m not sure where it comes from, but it says ‘What other people think of you is none of your business’. 

It is also impossible to really ever know for sure even if you try and make it your business. Therefore, trying to live up to other people expectations, when you don’t really know what they are, is setting yourself up to fail.

I have spoken to many people about running and racing, and there are a variety of reasons why people subject themselves to it.

For so many, it is not about times or recognition, but about enjoyment, feeling alive, being part of something and the social aspect. These are the things I seem to have forgotten about and want to remember!

I want to work hard and achieve results, but because I enjoy doing that.

For me, not for anyone else.

So now I move forward to my next 10k in February.

I am still chasing that elusive PB, but it’s also about enjoying the journey on the way. …and of course, now the New Year is here, there is a Half Ironman to focus on…