Go Running; You Go Running
I woke up feeling better... We drank coffee on the balcony and I told Anadi of the training plan… He enjoys ‘joining in’ with my training plans…!
He was fit when we met one another; he ran at the weekends; 3 1/2 miles round Trent park with his friend Andy – my friend too now – sometimes he would do two laps; and in summer months he would run the route in bare feet…
He has always loved sport; a keen snow boarder and windsurfer in the past; and in 2005, having practiced Kung Fu for the previous four years, he took a trip to China… He stayed for ten weeks to train with the Shaolin monks.
The programme began each day at 5.30 in the morning, and they weren’t done until 9.30 in the evening… He loved his time there, albeit very hard core!
The monks philosophy is that all tension in the body is because of inner tension; old emotional memories and wounding – and that we would all be completely supple if we were clear of these deep patterns and old pain… With this philosophy in mind, one of their focuses for clearing this tension is to work with releasing it from the physical through extreme stretching… And if anything hurt their suggestion was to ‘go running; you go running’ basically to run it out of your body…
In meeting me, Anadi has loved that he has discovered greater levels of endurance that he hadn’t tapped into before; and he loves the physical, emotional and spiritual elements that running brings him…
He has no interest in racing; he doesn’t really enjoy it; but if he is there and I am racing, he says that he would rather experience the race than wait for me to return!
His favourite training experience is long runs at a talking and exploring when we want, silent when we want - pace…
And so he runs a lot of my runs with me; and has got very fit!
So – as I was feeling better today; the original ‘plan’ was to start to do some regular interval training again, and I suggested we ran a reduced relaxed easy version of the session; just to imprint the intention in my psyche!
It was a glorious morning and we ran to our straight road which lends itself to intervals; the sea beside us and pigeon park at the end… We ran 6 x half a mile and I was delighted to even feel like running again… we took it easy and I loved it.
Yesterday as we walked up to the top of pigeon island, I was exploring with Anadi an old pattern of pressure that has been in my running all my life really…
And how this has played out too in my relationships with men…
The men and the running path – my greatest teachers and healers…
The pressure and deep deep held belief that I am only loved if I run fast - and please the man, internalized though all sorts of childhood stories and influences, but ones which I took responsibility for unraveling many years ago…
It is my life, my journey, my responsibility, my vibration, my energetic make up that experienced what I did and received it as I did…
I have consciously known this belief is outdated, and far from the truth for a long time; and wasn’t even true when I internalized it…!
I experience a very different reality too…
But our deep held beliefs and wounds are often "very deeply held" and very hidden!
I have healed over the years; another layer and another layer has peeled back… It is one of the reasons I have stayed running as it is where this deep wound has emerged, where I have found there is still healing to be done… And also as the Shaolin monks say, a way to then release that tension too out through the running step.
My quest in life to learn how to give and receive unconditional love; and to run with freedom, no attachment to an outcome, and yet strive for excellence, has meant that I cannot hide from any thread of the wound…!
It will always show itself, and show me where work is to be done…
The fall on Sunday jolted me to the core of my being; as we walked an talked Anadi said to me 'maybe it’s the old wound – the part of you that pulls the plug when things start to go well, because you don’t want the pressure, a part of you that feels the pressure still unconsciously and doesn’t want it…’
‘Yes’, I said ‘the old wound’!!
And so what is the answer…? To do it for fun; to internalize my Mother’s words ‘Darling I don’t mind if you come last; I want you to have fun’ – to strive for excellence; and have fun doing it…
Another layer peeled back…
And as I ran along today I recognised that with Anadi I can be with a man and be me… He has no desire that I please him.
I can run with a man and run for me… … He has no desire to self actualize through me, or beat me at running… Although that might well happen of course!
It means that Perhaps the wound is healed, the pressure gone. That I can have fun stretching to see what is possible because I love myself enough to not be searching for it in the running step – instead the running step is an expression of my love…
