We Chose This Life, And We Are Safe

Lovely Julia mentioned to me about writing a piece for her a few weeks ago, and offered me a link to my new Ladies Fashion Website. I felt quite honoured and humbled and then this little voice came in and said ‘You’re not good enough Zoe’. 

I know... I feel sad writing that down but that is what happened.

A few weeks on and I have decided that now is the time, it feels right. I wasn’t too sure what to write, so I am just going to go with the flow and let it all come out how it is now, in this time, and in this moment.

This brings me on to what I have been learning about myself... I am still learning and I still will be in years to come I expect…

I think I knew from a young age that I was a highly sensitive. I was a shy, nervous child and a little unsure of myself.

I remember my Dad telling me some years ago that he would find bits of paper clenched in my fists.I would pick things up and hold on tight to them. I often had nightmares and I was very scared of the dark.

In fact when I look back I was scared of everything it seems… Scared of myself even. I was sensitive to the light, to people, to opinions, to my own thoughts and fears.

I liked to spend time on my own. I still do now. I do love people and company, but the thought of being in a house on a mountain top in a lovely cosy room, writing a book and looking out onto gorgeous views is something that fills me with calm and serenity. Some place where I do not have to follow societies routines and loudness.

Of course I do recognize that this is my sense of safety, finding safety in hiding away… Not having to face these loud noises, or the opinions and thoughts of others… Not having to face people, in case I blush or have a panic attack and just want to run, run, run away to a space where I feel safe on my own.

At eighteen years old I had a breakdown. I lost weight, and I thought I was going to die.

I didn’t as I am here to tell the tale :-)

I read my way out of it… I read every book I could lay my hands on about anxiety, panic disorder, fear, highly sensitive people and the list goes on.

I cured myself at that time as I had the knowledge and I didn’t feel I was the only one. I saw a few counsellors here and there and I started to feel like I had actually woken up!

When I look back now, at how I was as a child and a teenager I don’t know that person. It seems that it took that Breakdown - or whatever you choose to call it - to wake me up!!!

It sure did that!

It woke me up so much that I never thought I could love life as much as I did over those next few years. My confidence rose and I became not so scared me. What I came to realise in the years after this period is that I am who I am.

I met Lovely Julia around three years ago now and I remember crying my eyes out as soon as I sat down. I arrived a wreck and I left relieved. Relieved that someone truly got me, accepted me, listened and cared. Julia has taught me so much about myself and that it is okay to be who we are.

She has taught me that childhood wounds can hold us in a place of pain and grief. It has taken me a little while to really get to grips with accepting myself. I am still processing now and am sure I will be in years to come. It has been a revelation that Julia showed up when she did, as I said to her once that 'She saved my life'. She did. She has.

There is a part of me that strives for success, for a relaxing life where money is no object. What I do realise is no matter how much money or material you have as possessions it will never make you happy.

For me I know that my health and mind are the most important things to me. I have had a little blip with my anxiety over the last few weeks again because I have been digging deeper and enquiring into things that I normally would hide or bury… Back to the old pattern.

I now know I can’t hide or bury anymore, because it doesn’t work for me.

I can’t pretend anymore.

I wasn’t going to write this for Julia’s site until I was feeling really amazing again, but something has led me to do it today as I am really not hiding any more.

Life has it`s ups and downs for everyone. People come and go in our lives and I have found that when the panic creeps in again I think, 'Oh no, this will never go', but it does, it passes.

It takes time to process and I’ve not been great with being patient but I am starting to see it as a process that works when it flows now, it can’t be rushed. I have recently set up my own online fashion website as I love clothes and have always wanted to do something within the fashion world, the old story came in just about the time my website went live…              

The old voice, fear and thoughts.

But this time I am prepared, I am prepared to allow myself to shine, to allow myself to really follow my hearts whisper. ‘You can do it Zoe, you deserve this Zoe’.

I think about life like this sometimes,… We were the one that swam to the egg through our Mothers womb. We were the ones who beat every other sperm that day. Us!

If we can do that, we can do anything!

We chose this life, and we are safe.