The Most Profound Relationship Is The One With Ourselves

About Jane Fligelstone

When Julia and I first spoke about my writing a series of articles focused on relationships, my first thought was 'why me?', followed by a wry smile as I considered my own relationship history and my search for the perfect soul mate.

Then I remembered a writing project I had developed and put to one side when work became too busy and my relationship of four years began to collapse.So here I am, one year single, having learned the most transformative lessons from the most painful of endings.

When I consider my own experiences and those of people I know and know of, I feel sure there are truths for us all in the narratives that describe the joy and the pain of falling in and out of love and staying in love.

I am a single mother of a two teenagers, an NLP Master Practitioner, Reiki Healer and a trainer for Samaritans.

I run a successful business in marketing and communication and writing has always been my passion.

It's tough juggling the different roles and living with one foot in the commercial world and the other in the spiritual world.

However, life is rich as well as challenging and I'm constantly learning.

What I have realised is the most powerful learning is always in relationships, of every kind.
 

Jane is writing a monthly series of articles about relationship
 

This tells us something of what we have to look forward to in her articles...

We have all been wounded in relationship, often by those with whom we are most intimate.

On our spiritual journey to wholeness and healing, it is often the hardest lessons that bring about the greatest shifts.

If we can begin to understand the deep hurts and insecurities that are triggered in our closest relationships, we can transform them into gifts that will lead us to more open, honest and fulfilling partnerships.

This series of articles examines the experiences of souls who have lived through every type of love relationship, survived and moved on to a more fulfilling life.

It is my hope that giving voice to their stories will inspire you and illuminate your own truths.'
 

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
(Mike Murdock)
 

Does this sound familiar? We meet the perfect person, that special someone, our soul mate. We know this is the one, the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. We live in a state of relationship bliss and want everyone to share it with us.

Even our closest friends get a little tired of hearing how happy this person makes us, how wonderful he or she is, how fantastic the sex is (for them, even if it’s not always that great for you). All you want is for this person to feel loved and supported, the way you do (in the beginning).

Then, slowly (or maybe quickly), that person stops feeling perfect and we begin to notice what’s wrong with them. Little things begin to irritate us, what they say and do angers us and we begin to think we’d be happier without them.

Eventually, the relationship ends and we wonder what we ever saw in them. In some cases, we wonder if perhaps we were temporarily insane as no one in their right mind would have chosen to have a relationship with someone so obviously unsuitable

Luckily, or maybe not, we quickly recover from our broken heart, get over our disappointment and meet someone new.

This time it feels different and we realise this person is the one we have been looking for. Then they are not and we get off the relationship merry-go-round again.

Until the next time we jump on, forgetting what a bumpy ride it was last time, and the time before and the time before that.

In reality, we chose the same relationship over and over again. The packaging might appear to be different, in fact we insist our new Mr or Mrs Right could not be more diametrically opposed to the previous Mr or Mrs Wrong (or occasionally Mr He’ll Do or Mrs She’ll Do), but essentially we are choosing to have the same experience over and over again.

Perhaps it’s time to look at our part in this and discover what we are doing in relationship that is not authentic.

The first question is why do we want to be in a relationship?

Often it is because we do not want to be alone, we want the comfort and security of having someone to share our lives.

At a much deeper, unconscious level we desperately want a relationship that nurtures and nourishes us and encourages us to be the best version of ourselves we can be.

Perhaps, most importantly we want to be recognised by our partner and loved for being exactly who we are, regardless of our imperfections.

We desperately crave this unconditional acceptance and want to give it back to our partner, in the name of love.

Yet, if we look closely at our relationships, past and present, and ask the question “Did this relationship allow me to be the highest and best version of myself?” or  “Is this relationship allowing me to be the highest and best version of myself?” how will we respond to it honestly? 

Take a moment to think about this and if you don’t like the answer, don’t panic, don’t blame yourself and don’t stop reading!

What you might have learned is that it is time for a change, not necessarily a change of partner, maybe just a change in how you present yourself to your partner and the rest of the world.

Here’s an example. How often do we hide ourselves in a new relationship, push a part of us to one side because we are afraid it will not fit with who our partner is or wants us to be.

I know that in most of my previous relationships, I have shut down the spiritual part of myself for fear of seeming too different, or even weird.

Ask yourself if you have been hiding or pushing away some essential, authentic part of who you really are, for fear of how your partner might react.

Maybe it’s time to start letting your truth out, revealing your authentic self.

We often spend a great deal of time and energy trying to be the person we think our partner wants us to be. We hide our frustration or irritation behind the dangerous retorts of, “It’s fine” or “It’s OK” because we do not want to upset our significant other or rock the relationship boat.

This seems to work just fine at the beginning of the relationship, but over time this allowing of behaviours that do not feel comfortable and responding without honesty wears away the fabric of the partnership, until the knot we thought could not be undone, inevitably frays and breaks.

Are you willing to try an experiment?

What if you slowly and very gently started expressing your truth and watched for the changes in your relationship (or in the type of relationship you attract in the future)?

What if you made a commitment to connect to the highest version of yourself by being authentic and not shutting down or shutting up for fear of how your partner might react or what they might say? 

What if you decided to love yourself more than your partner?

And what if you stopped expecting your partner to be the way you want them to be, to behave the way you want them to behave?

What if you allowed them to be who they truly are and speak their truth? Would you even hear them?

The first step to an authentic loving relationship has to come from loving ourselves.

Then we can even love Mr or Mrs Wrong, we just don’t have to stay with them!

The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. (Shirley MacLaine)