'We Shall Not Cease From Exploration...'
I woke at 5.55, that seemed a good time to wake up! My primary birth number is 5 according to Dan Millman's formula; he is the author of 'The life you were born to lead', so to wake up on a treble can't be bad!
The number 5 according to his philosophy is the life path that requires journeying to discover freedom within discipline. Those working the number five are challenged to find that true freedom comes through the discipline of a relationship, job, sport, living out an idea a dream...
It is not uncommon that these folk veer between over control and 'freedom' in the form of no boundaries...
When I read his book many years ago this resonated for me; the 'free spirit' - also often put on 'the naughty step' who could be over controlled and extreme in my 'discipline'...
Over the years I have discovered his guidance to be an important and valid part of my self discovery...
I have found my truest freedom has come in essence through the daily discipline and practice of clearing the stuff that has arisen as a result of my childhood wounding - making this the core practice has afforded me the freedom of expression that I enjoy in my sport my relationships my writing and my all of my work over the years...
Dan Millman was a big influence in my life in the early nineties - I read many of his books and travelled out to California to attend a course he was running ... At one point he grouped us in our numbers and I hung out for a while with a group of others 'number fives'!
Dan was influential in my writing too... We had been exploring emotions and I had talked about running marathons and how many emotions would arise and the importance of letting them pass through your body as you run...
'You could write a book a Julia, why not make each chapter a mile in a marathon, 26.2 chapters... It took ten years, but that is exactly what I did...!
I have found that any exploration into self, which leads us back to the core practice of truly listening to and connecting to our authentic self, to be valuable.
It is in remembering that whether it be numerology or astrology or psychotherapy or anything that we investigate to know ourselves better; that the core practice is to truly listen and connect at the deepest level to any pain within us that needs clearing and to listen to our spirit that desires expression...
Sometimes it is possible to distract ourselves instead with curiosity about our planetary influences and numerology, and many other interesting treatments and practices.
The same things that lead us to our truth can be the very things that take us away from where we most need to investigate and reflect...
My running has served to be both things over the years. The place where I have not been able to hide from myself; where I have seen myself reflected in the mirror of my patterns again and again and also the place where, in the past, I could run from looking at my pain and hide in the obsession of 'I've got to run 100 miles a week', 'I've got to weigh a certain weight', 'I've got to achieve a certain goal...' This was where the discipline became rigid and controlled.
These states of being inevitably ended in exhaustion, injury, illness and disappointment and took me far away from the freedom of expression where I ran and lived and loved at my best...
The goals that I have achieved that have lead me to to greater self knowledge and have accessed skills that have meant that I am clearer, where I discovered inner strengths and latent talents that have served both to assist my running and my life, have been the ones where I have experienced true growth and true freedom and joy in the running step...
And this is why I so appreciate my running gift; it is still opening new doors of perception for me, it is still guiding me to freedom within the discipline of it as a daily practice. Any goal that I set myself where I am truly excited at the prospect of finding out about myself within the journey to the destination opens me to greater self awareness and self acceptance .
Rather than it being a place where there is the possibility of 'coming up short' I see it as a place of discovering what is possible ...
I haven't set myself a goal for a long time now. My Achilles' tendon has asked over the last four and a half months that we go gently, that there is no over stretching, that the goal must be one to find true balance and health within my body and mind and that true recovery occurs, before we stretch to see what might be possible...
As the days pass and my body grows stronger, I feel the part that likes a challenge rising up 'where are we going? What adventures are ahead? What is possible?'
The time here at Buxted Park takes me back to the miles and miles of running I did around its grounds, in the country lanes, the surrounding villages and on the glorious Ashdown forest.
I ran my last fast marathon when I was living here in 1992. I had been ill at the end of the 80's with chronic fatigue and so I trained for this Marathon, my first since becoming well again, with real care and consciousness.
I learned deeply the lessons of truly listening to my body, after having been so ill that running fast had seemed a distance reality ...
I ran 2.41 that April, me and my two Brighton team mates, both called Julie - won the team silver medal (or was it the Bronze?! My memory of my past result is rather hazy in lots of cases!!) in the London marathon...
That was a journey to a destination that took me to a greater self knowledge, a greater trust of myself and an understanding of my body...
Being in Buxted is a bit like being a ghost visiting my younger self; I see how much I have journeyed and discovered. As TS Elliot writes:
‘We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time’.
I still love to run, I still love to explore and discover what is possible, but I now truly understand that I am not a better person if I succeed in a quest or a lesser person if I fail; I am just 'me' striving and stretching, exploring and adventuring, loving and living and learning every day to to let go of all the chimeras and distractions that take me away from the truth of who I am, and away from the knowing that this is all an illusion and that the experiences on this planet are simply consciousness wanting to know itself and express itself and for us to wake up and be free.
And now it is 6.56!
The gym beckons, the little room with its treadmill and rowing machine. More chance for Anadi to do some handstand practice, for my body to get a few more running steps stronger... It is frosty and cold outside and this 'follower of the fun and the sun' has decided to stay in the warmth of the walls of a Buxted park for these three days!
As we walked through the sleeping building, passing the front door, with a frisky frosty morn outside, we met the night porter...'It's Minus 4 out there' he said smiling 'you're not going out to run...?' We smiled back ' no no, we're not going out' and carried on down to our warm basement for indoor running!
As I ran along feeling smooth and at ease on my synthetic running road I thought back to the many English winters I have run through in all weathers...!
And later as we passed the same front door for breakfast, I went outside for 30 secs to breathe in the crisp English winter air... :)