'Fear Is Not Your Enemy...
I was crossing the road on my way to train this morning, and I heard a voice say ‘How is your leg today? Did you visit the poorly center to get a stitch in it…?’
And there was Woodpecker, he had appeared yesterday and stood watching proceedings for a bit while Roddy looked after me... Woodpecker had felt certain I should visit the poorly center.
But Roddy had said I would be okay…
I chatted to him for a few minutes before continuing on my way to the gym to train with Rodja who found all manner of ways of training me to exhaustion that did not involve any of the beaten up areas…!
My wounds are evident, and so today has been a day of telling my story; I have got it down to a sentence… ‘I was running on the stony ground near donkey beach and tripped and fell’
‘Oh man… you be careful now‘.
Telling the story of something that has happened keeps a bit of an attachment to it...
It also points me to my fear - and accesses doubt that I can be safe running downhill with less 'brakes on' and more freedom - which is ‘my mission’!
I see where my fear is and I am resolved not to be put off on day one, my plan to run nimbly down rocky terrain!
And I notice there is a part that IS a bit put off, a bit nervous... Especially as I am still a bit fragile today
I have never fallen like that before in my life...
I have had many falls, including a few real hard landings on the hard concrete…! One was when I leapt off the road onto the pavement and didn't realise it was icy, whoosh smack; but I was okay… I was up in a flash, a bit of a sore hip... Then there ws a bit of an embarrassing one when I rounded the corner, tripped over a pavement and landed flat out in front of a big crowd of school children waiting for their bus - I was up fast and running again then too...!
I am also reminded of a session with a therapist a few years ago.
We started to explore my fear of cycling fast downhill... Or rather my fear of falling off my bike, while cycling fast downhill - and although I recognised the fear pointed to some deeper vulnerability I was not keen enough on cycling to go further into it…
It can be easy to dismiss a fear of falling off a bike going fast downhill as 'natural' - but plenty of people do it, day in, day out.
And then there are the sports like rock climbing, surfing, ski ing, which have an adrenaline aspect to them…
These endeavours can access fear within... Fear can be tangible at times; it can almost be touched and tasted.
My friend Dave who was British Champion at downhill mountain biking in the 90's said that when you have leapt over a jump in a mountain bike race, and you are twenty foot up in mid air, you know one of three things is going to happen: You'll land and be okay and on you go, you land and fall and it is gonna hurt, or you land and you die... To be a top racer you must surrender to the leap...
When we face our fear in anything and everything; risking in sport, standing on stage to sing or act or give a presentation – doing anything that for us is unfamiliar, and accesses the fear – when we touch it and taste it, we will find it has no power.
Fear is existential; it limits us, and points to the fact that we believe we are a body, that this is it and that we are not safe - that we can be annihilated...
The truth is that we are all vulnerable, we are all insecure and nothing is certain in the physical world; the only safety we have comes from within and from the wisdom of embracing our vulnerabilities…
This way we can become safe with the uncertainty of the human journey.
I have discovered this fear inside me emerging, when I am up steep paths and rocky terrain; I am face to face with my vulnerability in a trice, and my sense is that this particular aspect within me, this place of vulnerability and fear has been holding on... the fear of falling...
Yesterday was smashed open, and as Susan Jeffers says this really is an opportunity for me to…
'Feel the fear and do it anyway…!'
I don’t ski, never have as I don’t like snow much! I also don’t like going downhill fast; and I don’t like cycling downhill fast either, neither of those endeavours call to me enough to face the fear and investigate it.
I recognise there is a natural place as humans to look after ourselves and to know our capabilities, so that we can honour the physical journey; but then there is the fear to be embraced, the vulnerability to be acknowledged for this is where our true strength lies – being in touch with our vulnerability.
Fears came up for me in embarking on this nomadic lifestyle with Anadi; I stayed with the fear and I have found it had no grip on me, and now I am free.
Fears came up for me in embracing a committed relationship with him, and I looked straight at the fear and found it had no power.
Being in the moment and truly supporting ourselves as we uncover all the fears and discover our vulnerability. By deeply going into these areas, we will find great strength, great fortitude; and that the journey really is about keeping on getting up and going again - investigating the patterns, seeing the loops we are stuck in, unravelling a bit more, doing it differently, if differently is needed, practicing more if more practice is required.
Being willing to bleed, to be human, to be here now, to clear the fear that prevents us connecting to our divine selves and seeing that we were free all along...
So I better get myself back on that rocky terrain, that beautiful expanse of wild free natural land, and learn its ways and trust the practice…!
As I wrote my blog today I got a text from lovely Chloe; we worked together a few years ago and she is now a top model.
She sent me a text saying that she was understanding the work we had done together more and more profoundly - and she had attached a picture with this quote on it…
'Fear is not your enemy, it is a compass pointing you to the areas where you need to grow...’
