If You Can Feel It You Can Heal It...
I
woke up to another beautifully sunny day... I could hear the turtle doves cooing. The sound and the feel of the day was reminiscent of those English summer morns where there is the smell of grass, the sound of the wood pigeon, and the sun already giving heat to a lazy Sunday morning....
I do remember summer morns like that in England! Not so recently maybe, but now that I follow the sun, I am having many reminders of sunny teenage summers....
Before I went running, I checked my emails, and discovered a very encouraging email from my friend Emily Dubberley.
Emily is a very successful author and journalist specialising in sex and relationships... She has written twenty four internationally selling books, and I feel very privileged that she is doing a last read through and edit of 'A Girlfriend For A Year'.
Her comments on the book were very positive, and every suggestion she has made for editing will enhance it hugely...
As I read her email, I was aware that I received not one of her words as criticism in any way... This is in part because of the way Emily wrote and communicated with me. She chose her words with great care, full of affirmation and support, as she made her suggestions.... But I was also aware that any part of me which might have in the past felt 'not good enough', evidently wasn't there anymore, in this context anyway...!
I feel excited to be polishing the book even further, and Simon joins me in welcoming another pair of eyes...
It made me aware once again, of how important it is to clear our hurt, and our feelings of not measuring up, because this can limit us from getting our creativity 'out there'.
I feel no ownership of 'A Girlfriend for a year' anymore. Emily commented that she believes that I, 'have created something extraordinary which has a wonderful capacity to heal many people'
With that in mind - which is my intention in all I write - to have any ownership or reactivity to it being improved, would surely limit its potential. Ultimately it is now gone from me... Simon's masterful crafting and editing have improved it no end, and I fully welcome Emily's input....
And then it will be done... 'A Girlfriend For A Year' will belong to the world, and not to me at all...
After my run and a leisurely Petit Dejeuner, my brother Stuart, Sue and I made our way to the market in Coustellet, a nearby town. It is an 'every Sunday morning' market and stretches along the road as far as the eye can see..,
It was alive with colourful stalls selling hats and bags, dresses and crockery... Jewellery stalls, attracting me as every jewellery shop and stall is wont to do...!
I spotted a simple silver bangle with shiny diamond type stones set modestly in it.. 'I love that', I said... And that was it, my birthday present had been found and was mine in a trice - one of the plans that Stu and Sue had in mind, had been accomplished...!
And food too, freshly cooked chickens, small buckets brimming with shiny olives, black, yellow, some filled with peppers, sprinkled with herbs, garlic; the sheen of olive oil glinting in the sun which slid under the bright red and white striped awnings...
Cheeses and patisseries... Herbs in big containers, their smells accessing memories of eating bowls of ratatouille, meats and fish marinated to deliciousness, drinking lemon verbena tea... The scents mingling, conjuring up pictures, making us hungry for lunch....
We sat on the warm shady terrace of a small busy cafe, watching the marketeers dismantle their stalls... By the time it came for us to wander back to the car after we had eaten, the streets were empty, no sign of the life... The activity, the colours, the smells and the throng of people... Instead just a long straight, dusty, empty street....
Lunchtime was a wonderful affair, and an unexpectedly very healing time too...
We sat together enjoying the atmosphere, the wonderful French salads, wine for Stuart and Sue, Provence is known for its wonderful rose wine... French bread and cafe un Allonge....
We were relaxed, happy, enjoying this special time together....
The conversation came round to Anadi and me... My brother asked me how it has happened that this time - (I have been in four marriages and had many boyfriends) - I have reached resolution....
As I started to explain the years of healing, clearing 'work' and therapy I have been through, my patterns, the hurt within me that has showed up in my intimate relationships... I could feel tears rising in me....
I told Sue and Stu that I was feeling upset and tearful, as I have discovered that to share what is going on, keeps me responsible for my reaction... This way connection and communication can be maintained....
And then I started to cry, rather confusingly for my brothe, my sister-in-law hugged me....
I explained that he hadn't upset me, but that it had touched something in me that was unhealed....
My brother then said... 'I don't want you to think that I am being like your Dad (his Dad too!) and in any way judging you... I am asking you the question because I am genuinely interested, and I care, and I can see you have found in Anadi someone who fits...'
'I know I know...' I said between the tears.... 'But you are right, you triggered some unhealed Dad "stuff" because he was critical of me, and you asking, being my big brother triggered it...'
And then everything shifted and changed, I dried my eyes and we carried in talking about relationship and healing... And I knew that in that five minutes, something that up untill that point was still lodged 
within me, unhealed, had emerged for healing... And by keeping connected and staying in the space, I had been able to hear my brother's words and feel his love, rather than projecting the past onto him in any way...
It was a perfect Le Lunch in every way...
