'On The Road Again...'
This morning the sun rose hotter than ever, and I was out on the road earlier than ever... My training 'plan' is a simple one... The aim is to average ten miles a day, with ideally a longer run - or two - a week, plus an interval session or a race....
So, each day that it is possible for me to run the miles I do.... And then what will be will be... I cannot force my form, or make a plan, or decide how fast I will run... It will emerge.
It has of course always been thus, but I spoilt much of my early running years by 'deciding' what I wanted to achieve, from an unconscious yearning to satisfy my ego, attain something to 'make me' feel worthy...
This lead to an endless chase, for even when I had run a fast time, the euphoria was short lived because I immediately wanted to do better, run faster, chase some elusive state...
I remember winning the Woking ten mile race in 1986 (or was it '87?) on a cold cold day. I think it was early March, there were hail stones falling from the sky as we set off... I felt wonderful that day, relaxed, flowing... My running poured out of me and I ran 55.10 - a time that delighted me....
On the following Wednesday morning Athletics Weekly appeared as usual, and I scoured the results of the races from the previous weekend... I saw that Jill Hunter had run a much faster time than me (53 something I seem to remember) in a race in Wales (I think...) and I was instantly dissatisfied with my own run...
And now I look back, with that wonderful thing 'the wisdom of hindsight' and I see that with only a slight paradigm shift - so subtle and small - I could have aimed high for the joy of aiming high and have enjoyed my running much more, and as the years went by, felt accomplished as a runner...
But that state never came...
And so I have kept on running to discover that feeling within myself - on the running road that I cannot run along as fast as I once did - but paradoxically is satisfying me and bringing me the sense of accomplishment that eluded me when I was young.
Now I can go forward with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, living my life this way rather than looking back and learning afterwards, I can use the learning to go forwards more happily and easily!
As I ran along the roads with poppies growing wildly and abundantly I felt happy, the roads were quiet and no one took much notice of me. The men digging in the fields didn't look up, and the man walking his dog acted as if I didn't exist, and I like that...
I am quite a solitary runner, which is why I like the early mornings or empty trails and downland, or rocky Mountain roads, or long empty beaches.....
And then I came to a village and I could see a big group of school children all waiting for the bus!
I was glad to see their bus drive past me almost straight away. I watched as they piled in, leaving my road to run along empty and mine once more...
I had not noticed in the shadows that there was another group of children on the other side of the road, also waiting for their bus to take them to school in the other direction....
As I came level with them, there were loud cheers and shouts of encouragement and greeting... I waved expansively and smiled...
At odds with the inner desire to be quiet and not noticed on my morning run!
But I love people, and so I responded to the young people and their lively energy and enthusiasm...
And honoured the part in me that is in them... The part that would have behaved exactly as they did when I was a teenager at the bus stop!
Namaste.
And now I am staying two minutes away from Marseilles airport. I have a very early flight and my brother has just dropped me off here and this is my home for a few hours....
I love hotels, I love the anonymity, the passing through... In the same way that I like airports and planes and trains.... I love to be between places....
I have known this about myself all of my life...
I never wanted a home, to buy a house.... I did buy houses because of the men I was with, and because conventional wisdom directed me that way, and so of course I take responsibility for my 'yes' in those periods in my life...
But in my soul I like to be on the road....
And I am...