How Delicious It Is To Share...
'So much of my life is uncomfortable...' I have just laughingly said to Anadi as we clambered up the stony, pebbly, steep, incline out of the cold sea... I was shivering for the second time today!
It rained last night which has brought the sea temperature down, and this morning as we waded into the clear, turquoise, glassy beauty, I had said 'it's just like getting into a cold bath really... But I love it' I'd then affirmed...
I do feel so good after swimming, and I love being fit again. Ten miles a day - twelve today, fifteen yesterday - being 'normal' and not feeling like I am doing much...
However there is a degree of discomfort in implementing all this...
The getting out of the door, twice most days, to run... The sluggish feeling of setting off, the 'getting in' bit of swimming to the cold sea...
The commitment day after day... To live this idyllic life!
'Anyway', I continued... 'Katharine Hepburn said... "Not everyone is lucky enough to understand how delicious it is to suffer..." And I do know what she means...'
There is something of the Spartan in me, that loves my body being slightly stretched to a place of discomfort...
This morning I ran along the quiet road, a blue grey, misty, day. The sun was already burning off the cloud cover, as I jogged down to Ipsos and along the road with the gobbling turkeys, and the goats all scattered along the verge of the hedgerow, their goatherd nearby on a stool....
The emu knows me now, she comes to the fence as I run by and opens her mouth in greeting; and the cats in the grass have a litter of kittens... Tiny, just starting to stumble out, and explore a bit away from the protection of their mother....
I wanted a kitten in that moment....
I always want a kitten when I see kittens, this is not new!
And on I ran, along the windy road under the olive tress, the sun now glinting through the leaves....
I had decided to run fast, back down the other side of a loop that would bring me to the football field, with the wild grass and tiny flowers gamely growing through the white cinders....
I turned and ran on the threshold of fast, a degree uncomfortable, but still within my comfort zone, stretching the edges, fast, free, flowing... A good feeling; discomfort at its best....
I took a drink of the Gatorade, that I had hidden beside the red brick wall, in the long grass, and then I jogged back past my friends, the emu, the turkeys, the goats and the fresh new kittens, to run back again....
I did this three times and loved it... No real plan, and no real idea of how fast I was running... My heart rate was 160, and 163 for the finale .... Running at this rate, I still feel good...
A stretch that really does make suffering feel delicious ... Expansive, free....
I do feel lucky, as Katharine Hepburn says, to know this feeling...
Over the years I have explored suffering!
I have pushed too hard, to breakdown. I carried at the core of my being, some old outdated belief that I must 'earn' my place here, on the planet, by 'struggling'....
I 'made sure' that in at least one area of my life, the struggle pattern was evident ...I'd spent all my money.... Or my marriage was ending.... Or I was chronically fatigued... Or I was chronically injured.....
But, I also noticed that always, throughout all of this, there was one constant theme....
which was, that since I was seventeen years old I have worked in the lives of others, and this has always flowed....
Never any struggle in this arena....
I can remember Ros, my therapist and the supervisor of my work over many years saying to me that letting go of the struggle pattern would be strange for me... Because - I was used to it.
But she continued, maybe the time had come to use this energy of mine that was helpful in helping others to transform their lives, for myself...
This was a turning point....
The biggest gift we give to others is our own life working out; living what we are offering is more of a powerful message than the theory of it....
And so I learnt to stretch instead of struggle, and discovered the deliciousness of suffering rather than the pain of it....
Later...
Athena Jane, Anadi and I are now all sitting about in Dwight's bar, sharing chocolate brownie...
'This reminds me of being with Jane...' 'You are with Jane' Anadi said, 'yes, but it is reminding me of being with her' I laughed, she laughed too... 'Yes' she said 'all the brownies we have shared all over the world...'
How delicous it is to share...!
