Life Is For Having Fun...
Today has been a watery day, involving two swimming 'outings'...
Although it has to be said that the morning dip, post run along the San Pedro prom, was rather short lived... But very invigorating!
The second swim has just happened...
Half a mile in the glorious forty meter pool where we are staying.
My up and down laps seemed to inspire others... I struck off from the side, the whole pool to myself, and then I was joined by four or five others, who slid off their sun beds and into the refreshing tranquil blue pool, set amongst the palm trees and the white buildings...
Kay has left me a pair of goggles, thank you Kay!
They made a big difference, and as I swum I decided a long pool was going on my list of 'things I'd like in my life'...
I didn't know I had such a list until I was mid swimeditation... But it popped into my mind, a long pool, regular swimming as part of 'Julia's perfect life...'
I reflected that in the past I didn't - deep down - think I was 'allowed' to plan a perfect life for me... I seemed to either 'come in with' or have indoctrinated into me through church perhaps, an idea that life needed to involve a degree of struggle, and suffering for it to be somehow okay to be alive, and for me to 'earn my place here...'
I remember reading 'A portrait of the artist as a young man' by James Joyce, when I was a teenager... And I identified wholly with the struggles of Stephen Dedalus - the main character - the way his ideas were often in conflict with those of society, and of the guilt he felt around his blossoming and overwhelming sexuality... My guilt wasn't of a sexual nature, but seemed attached to just about everything else...!
It seemed altogether to be part of my very nature to struggle and to feel guilty...
It was a great relief to stop struggling and to stop feeling guilty, which I did in time...
I recall exploring this with Ros, my therapist and the supervisor of my practice with people... She reminded me that I was 'used to struggle' and that this was something to consider in reclaiming the carefree aspect of me that was always joyous, that there would be a space left, and that this might feel strange...
I have discovered both in my own life, and in witnessing processes in the lives of others, that indeed when we clear aspects of our 'stuff' that we have identified with,even thought 'were us', that the space left can feel strange, and that sometimes the old patterns and ways of being are picked back up again....
But I did let go of the struggle, and it seems that in reclaiming the part of me that believes that life is for having fun, is planning long pools...
Ones in which to swim up and down in whenever I want to...
