We Are Between Worlds
The time says 6.08 on my iPad, we have been flying for two and a half hours, we are flying at 35,000 feet and are just going over Bucharest... according to my journey map!
We have nine hours left in the air...
I have just cried my way through the film 'If I stay'; I always wonder when I cry in books and films what part of my being has been touched, what unresolved aspect, what part of me is so moved by a movie... A story...
What has this private space allowed me to access within?
Me, the headphones, the story unfolding in front of me, my pinhole glasses - the ones that train my eyes, but also keep me alone with my tears...
I believe that part in me, that is easily accessed in films is the part that doubts forever, it is not a conscious part, it is the part that is revealed when I witness connection and loss; it reveals to me the part of me that is still not connected to me and therefore doubts and is afraid that I am alone...
It is the child that was left behind by her mother I think...
The adult Julia, the 'I' that is eternal and not Julia at all, trusts; she leaps, she bounds, she has eternal spirit and infinite energy... But occasionally the child still weeps and says 'you left me, please don't go, please stay' - and reveals where there is still work to be done...
There is a line in the film 'you are my home, wherever you are is my home...'
I turned to Anadi at the end of the film, and rather cornily I will admit! - repeated the line to him... :)
But it is the truth; the planet is my home while I am living; and when Anadi and I shed everything we owned - except our belongings that can go in a suitcase and weigh no more than 20 kilos - and took this leap together, our home is with one another... Wherever we are...
Right now that is BA flight no 311421 to Bangkok; and it is a very nice home indeed. I liked my meal of saffron rice and sweet potato, and I especially liked my mini sticky toffee pudding with the cream on the bottom - what a good idea!
We left 'The Stables' this morning and drove into a grey cloudy morning; watery winter sun shone on Wembley stadium as we drove to Heathrow, the roads clear in front of us, no traffic jams, no hold ups, no queues at all...
We had allowed plenty of time, in case the roads were full and the pace had been slow; but we were there in a trice.
We handed Felicity Fiat back in to Alamo, she was checked over, it was all so organised, so easy, so friendly... The young woman who had checked us back in, directed us to a bus to travel to terminal 5, 'it is my sister driving you' she laughed 'have fun'....
In the queue at cafe Nero's, a man from 'Saudi Arabia slash America' (his words) struck up a conversation with me.
'I didn't expect to fall in love with London', he said...' I thought it would be boring; I have been here three days on a programme for work, and I will certainly be back...
I had some awesome interactions both on the course and with people I have met' he continued.
'I suppose I could have had one bad experience and be telling you a different story...'.
And then he laughed... 'What is your work '? I asked. 'I am a trainer and I have been on a course to learn to deliver a programme...'
'What is the programme...?' I asked him, 'building stronger relationships' he replied.
'Ahhh, that's my work...' I offered.
But he didn't hear me...
'He told me about the programme, how it is about the things that we know already, but taught in a way that makes more sense, and that each trainer can colour it with their own personality...
'Is it for relationships everywhere'? I asked, 'or geared for the corporate world...'? And then we were called to different ends of the counter and the conversation paused...
Later I was sitting with Anadi drinking our coffee, eating our granola bars - I like Nero's granola bars!... And I saw him coming towards us, I did that getting ready to engage, to smile, to even finish our conversation... thing.
He didn't see me; he was in his own world...
Another chance encounter; an unfinished conversation...
Later...
It is now 22.20 at 'the destination of origin'!
We are flying over Kabul and Islamabad - well, just to the right - as far as I can tell on the map in the screen in front of me...
We have four and a half hours until we arrive in Bangkok where the local time is now 5.20 am - a new day dawning; we are between worlds, between time zones and nearly seven miles high in the sky...
Anadi is now watching the film I watched earlier, the gentleman next to him is fast asleep and I have cried my way through another film...!
The film is called 'The fault in our stars'.
It seems I am using this flight to clear some sadness!
It feels that something has left my body through the process I unconsciously activated through my choice of films! It must have been lodged there, some unaccessed pain that I didn't know was there...
Life love death...
I paused the film at one point - because my body was hurting so much...
'I couldn't do this if I was in the cinema' - I laughed
'What can I do'? - Anadi asked me...
'Nothing', I said, 'this is my grief, my pain that I didn't know was there...'
He found me a tissue!
So the day is done, it has been a very good day...
My journey to be free asks that I not only shed my possession, but that I shed anything within me that is weighing me down.
And now I might sleep a bit.... it won't be long until all the lights go on and breakfast is served...
